Parallel Frustrations: A Follow Up to "The Conversation"

In reviewing Hill Harper's new book, The Conversation, I highlighted two observations that seemed quite powerful in their relevance to the discussion:

Harper goes through great lengths to convey what black men and women are looking for in a relationship. The answers vary, but two requests, in particular, were quite poignant:

1. Black men have a desire to feel NEEDED; and
2. Black women have a desire to be TAKEN SERIOUSLY

And before the cynics attack such requests as being unearned - hold it right there! Harper does an excellent job of focusing the spotlight on successful black relationships . . . relationships that are built by men and women who don’t fit the stereotype . . . relationships that take time and cooperation to build. Harper makes it clear that these men and women are the norm, NOT the exception, and that, as such, they deserve the respect they seek.

Perhaps my interest stems from a conversation I had some years ago on the message boards of Essence.com. IF we were to strip away our false bravado and allow our vulnerabilities to come through, we might find that much of our anguish stems from a desire for validation from one another as black men and women.

I happened to have saved my post from that conversation. It deals with certain insecurities we demonstrate that stem from a long history of racial baggage and the struggle to juxtapose traditionally white standards of "success," "masculinity" and "femininity" with black skin. As you'll see, I think this sets an easy trap for black men and women to engage in flawed (if not tortured) logic. It becomes a process through which we begin to accept and internalize negative stereotypes about each other.

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